Networking Skill: Listening – Stop Doing These Things

To finish my series of tips about listening as the most important networking skill, I would like to share some things to stop doing when listening to people.

• Stop judging.
• Stop talking! It is difficult to listen and speak at the same time.
• Stop thinking you already know what’s going to be said.
• Stop hanging on to your own opinion and your desire to be right.
• Stop focusing on what you are going to say next.
• Stop thinking that listening is the same as not talking.
• Stop thinking that you can’t be a good listener.

I would like to conclude these tips about listening with a quote from Dale Carnegie:

“A professional networker is someone who attentively listens…
to a subject he knows everything about…
told by someone who knows nothing about it”.

To your success !

Jan

PS: this is an excerpt from my book “Let’s Connect!”. You can download a free light version of the networking book Let’s Connect in English (or het netwerk boek Let’s Connect in Dutch)

Networking Skill: Listening – Actions Part 2

Last week I already shared some tips about what actions you can take when you really want to listen.

This week I offer you some more tips:

• Look at the person you are listening to, don’t look at the people behind or next to him.
• Avoid drawing your own conclusions. Always check them by saying “Am I correct in assuming that….”
• Create a positive listening environment.
• Ensure you get distracted as little as possible (by rumour of your colleagues or noise from the street).
• Create an “empty space” between you and the other (step from behind your desk for example).
• Let others tell you their own story first. When others explain their situations, they may reveal interesting facts and valuable clues that will aid you in helping them solve their problems or satisfy their needs. By letting them speak first, you also save time. When their interests are revealed you can tailor the rest of your discussion to their particular needs, goals, and objectives and you can avoid an inappropriate conversation.
• Write important things down. Especially when you are at a networking event where you are going to meet several people, it is hard to remember everything. BUT only note keywords that help you remember the whole story. Don’t try to write everything down, because when you are writing you are only hearing parts of what the other person is saying! Find your own way of dealing with this, because it’s an important, but tough issue.
• Find the emotion behind the words (vocal and visual messages) rather than the literal meaning of the words. Ask yourself these questions when another person is speaking:
  a. What are the other person’s feelings?
  b. What does he mean by what he is saying?
  c. What is his point of view?
  d. Why is he saying this?
  e. What is implied by what he says?
• Listen for “keywords”. These are words that you have in common with the other person. Or more importantly, the words that you can use to match two people. If I hear that somebody is a Russian-French translator and I know of someone who needs someone to translate some documents with regard to exporting to Russia, then there might be a link. So the keywords that triggered me were “Russia” and “translator”.

My golden tip:

• Count to three after the other person stopped talking and before you begin talking yourself. Often the other person continues to talk before you reached 3 and then the “most valuable information” is disclosed. Many times this is the moment where the real story comes to the surface. So if you can control your need to tell your own stories, this will be rewarded. Even if it’s not information that is useful to you, these are the moments where the relationship is strengthened.

To your success !

Jan

PS: this is an excerpt from my book “Let’s Connect!”. You can download a free light version of the networking book Let’s Connect in English (or het netwerk boek Let’s Connect in Dutch)

Networking Skill: Listening – Intention Part 2

Last week I shared already the first batch of tips about changing (or being aware of) your intention when you listen to people.

Why?

Listening is the most important networking skill. By only perfecting this skill you will be way more successful than you have been till now (unless you are a master already of course :-), but watch out: we all think we are better listeners than we actually are, so be honest with yourself and look for ways to improve your listening skills)

These are some more tips about your intention when listening to others:

• Understand that there are different ways and styles of communication. You have your own style and have a preference. Don’t judge people right away, give them a chance. And evaluate later. Looking for commonalities helps to get over the differences in communication styles.
• Be sincerely interested in people and in what they say. People feel when you’re not interested, at least at a subconscious level. Don’t fake it.
• Let go of the idea that you need to be right. Once you and the person you are listening to both understand this, listening becomes less difficult. This frees everyone to listen rather than keep trying to convince the other of their “rightness”. This tip establishes a common understanding that listening does not require people to definitively alter their opinions, beliefs, and values.
• Watch your own emotions. If what the other person is saying triggers an emotional response in you, be extra eager to listen carefully, with attention to the intent and full meaning of his words. When we are angry, frightened or upset, we often miss critical parts of what is being said to us.
• Beware of disagreeing, criticizing or arguing. Even if you disagree, let other people have their point of view. If you respond in a way that makes the other person defensive, even if you “win” the argument, you may lose something far more valuable: the relationship!
• Be sensitive to your emotional deaf spots. Deaf spots are words that make your mind wander. They set off a chain reaction that produces a mental barrier in your mind, which in turn inhibits the continued flow of the speaker’s message. Everyone is affected by certain words so it is important to discover your own individual roadblocks and analyse why these words have such a profound effect on you.
• Mind reacting to the message, not to the person. Don’t let your liking or disliking of the physical appearance of the other person cloud the content of his story.
• Keep an open mind. The other person might be saying something that you strongly disagree with, but if you allow him to finish his story without you interrupting him, you might find that his point of view is not that different from yours or you may even have learned something new.

To your success !

Jan

PS: this is an excerpt from my book “Let’s Connect!”. You can download a free light version of the networking book Let’s Connect in English (or het netwerk boek Let’s Connect in Dutch)

Listening is the Most Important Networking Skill

Listening is the most important skill you need to network. Through listening you build a bond of trust. Through listening you gather information to see how you can help someone else and how you or your network can be helped.

When you really listen, people get the feeling that they really have contact with you and that you are really interested in them. The result is that they become more open and that they share more information about themselves. And then you are actually starting to build a relationship.

Because only few people can listen well, you have a good chance to get noticed in a positive way when you really listen to people. Besides, research has pointed out that the efficiency of people to listen is only 13%. So there is much room for improvement. The tips I will give you in the next couple of weeks, will help you to increase that number substantially.

By the way, this doesn’t only apply to “offline” networking on events, receptions, mixers and conferences, but also to online networking.

For now, here are two sayings I want you to think about:
• We all have two ears and only one mouth. In other words: listening is twice as important as talking. (Source unknown)
• The things you tell people, you already know. But you might still learn something from what other people tell you. (Dale Carnegie)

To your success !

Jan

PS: this is an excerpt from my book “Let’s Connect!”. You can download a free light version of the networking book Let’s Connect in English (or het netwerk boek Let’s Connect in Dutch)